Grievance

It has been 46 weeks since that fateful night.

10 months ago, I awoke and casually rolled out of bed. It was a fine Saturday morning – not a cloud in sight. I had just finished a strenuous 7 month travel season in which I was in a different city every weekend. But now…on July 14th, I was free to do whatever I wanted…finally.

I put on my shoes…and went for a run. Beautiful days like these always meant long, hard runs – on these days, there was nothing of interest indoors for me…so I would run and run freely.

There were no longer any constraints. Freedom at last. Just me, my interests, and an entire world to explore. In one month I would tour all of Europe with my best friend. I didn’t have many friends. I had a lot of people I liked, and I had a lot of people who seemed to have liked me…but I rarely spent my time with anybody except him. I was solitary. I was desolate. I was perfectly lonely.

I ran 9 miles that day. I came home, I cleaned my kitchen. I cooked. I listened to music and played my guitar. I read the short stories of Ernest Hemingway. I sat at the table…pondering the possibilities. The endless possibilities.

I ventured to a local Greek Fest with my friends. They ate Greek food and had many drinks – I did neither. I was compulsively obsessed with my body. I felt I was too fat…I needed to lean out more. Maybe then…I could book more auditions. Maybe then…women would be attracted to me. Maybe then…I could be happy. I refused any food that I didn’t know the caloric value of…and I refused any alcohol, simply because alcohol hinders fat loss.

That was it. That was the extent of my freedom. The next thing I knew… I awoke to find myself where I am now.

Perhaps if I had enjoyed many drinks with my friends at the Greek Fest…I would have found myself IN a taxi cab en route to my destination later that night…instead of being maimed by one. PCH and Diamond would have been a cakewalk…instead of a death trap. Perhaps if I enjoyed many drinks with my friends that night… I would have passed out in a drunken slumber…and awoke to endless possibilities… Instead of endless limitations.

I often sit and ponder how cruelly ironic life can be. How the man who used his legs more than anyone would have them stripped away. How the freedom I idealized and seeked more than anything could be so short lived. Then, I was at the forefront of limitless possibilities. Now, I am and will forever be prisoner to my disability…having to depend on many just to function properly. Long runs and exploring now come with risks… Risks that never seemed to exist back then.

If there is anyone that could handle the predicament I find myself in day in and day out… Its me. I am grateful to be alive and humble enough to know that it could and should be much worse.

But it doesn’t change the facts. The fact that “freedom” will always come with an asterisk. The fact that everyone important to me in my past life has seemed to disappear…to have vanished along with my left leg. The fact that…

…the fact that I miss my old life.

This is grievance. And it only took 10 months for it to rear its miserably ugly head.

I truly hope this means acceptance is on its way.

Update

I’d like all who follow to know a few things.

1 – I have been accepted to and will be attending the Marshall School of Business at USC. I have also been granted a scholarship by USC’s Swim With Mike organization. I am beyond blessed and eternally grateful for the opportunity to extend my education and deviate slightly in my adventure. I am, by blood, a UCLA Bruin. I will forever remain loyal to the UCLA Athletics program, being that they bestowed me with the same two opportunities back in 2006. My heart will forever beat for the UCLA Football program, and on Bruin gamedays, you can count on my attendance. I’ll be there wearing blue and gold. But Marshall seemed like the best fit for my interests and situation, so I am following my gut and following in the footsteps of a great Bruin, and my former ball coach, Rick Neuheisel. (B.A. UCLA, J.D USC)

2. I am writing a book. It will take a good amount of time as I firmly believe in doing things right the first time. I am a whore for efficiency. I think it will be a great story and an enjoyable read and I will keep all posted on its progress.

3. My leg has yet to heal. I have what is called a non-union in my femur. Simply put…its not going to heal on its own. Two weeks ago, I underwent a very invasive procedure, in which bone marrow was extracted from my right (good) femur, and transplanted as bone graft in the fractures of my left femur. Hoping this does the trick. Femur is still infected…the infection will not die off until the bone is completely healed. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Thank you for your support. I am eternally grateful and promise to pay it forward.

 

Business School Application Essay Prompt 2: Describe a Personal Setback.

I awoke.

Just like every morning – the same incessant beeping from my alarm, rudely reminded me that I had lived to see another day. I blindly reached to put an end to the monotonous intonation but was surprised to find the clock wasnt there.

I opened my eyes and found myself in a hospital bed. Various tubes and lines radiated from my body to a machine that beeped in perfect cadence with my heartbeat. Doctors, nurses, and my family looked down upon me – their silhouettes cast in front of a blinding light.

A speeding van had hit me while I was riding my motorcycle; they had to amputate my leg. I impatiently awaited for this all to be validated as some cruel joke – but the only validation I received was when I flipped up the covers and found my left leg missing.

I sat up in my bed, dumbfounded. It seemed as if real time had frozen still and somehow I escaped reality and found myself at a crossroads. The shorter, less perilous road led to the dark bottomless pit that is self-pity. While the longer, superficially undesirable road led to the unknown.

I’d been at this crossroads before and I knew where the shorter road would take me; it wasnt a pretty place. Despite the intimidation of the unknown – I took a leap of faith.

Afterall, despite awaking to a new alarm clock, the reminder was the same – I had lived to see another day.

.

Life

The elevator doors pop open and I begin the trek to my apartment.

“The trek” consists of a 30 foot stretch of hallway connecting the elevator to my front door.

“The trek…”

A year ago, you couldn’t convince me that the 13 mile run I would routinely execute before work should be considered a “trek”. But that was many moons and a leg ago. Things have changed…obviously.

I clunker down the hallway, step by step. Each step is followed the sound of my crutches stabbing the ground.

“Clink! Clink! Clink!” The sound resonates throughout the hallway.

“Clink! Clink! Clink!” – the neighbors mute their televisions.

“Clink! Clink! Clink!” – Who on earth is hammering steel at this hour?!

“Clink! Clink! Clink!” – Oh…Nick must be home.

I reach the front door, jostling my keys in search of the right one. They fall to the ground.

I rest my crutches against a nearby wall and balancing on my ever dependent, “good” leg – I bend down to grab them.

Suddenly, the crutches fall to the ground. I stand…hop over, reach down to grab them, and hoist myself up.

I reach back into my pocket for my keys…and begin the process all over again.

The search for the key that will open the door continues. Why the hell do I have so many damned keys, anyway?

I find it. I pinch the key and extend towards the slot in the doorknob. However, before I can connect…I drop the keys.

…and begin the process all over again.

Life. This is life. This is what I lived for? This is why I refused to die that night? This?

You’re god damned right…

The Life Luxurious

I am as simple a human as God could create.

For reasons unknown, I dont have an understanding for things such as taste or preference. I fancy myself an expert problem solver. However, problems requiring a decision regarding preference are usually unsolvable in my world. Anybody who knows me as a human being and not just some imaginary figure created from tweets and instagrams would agree – I couldnt make a decision to save my life.

Now…if it came to saving yours – I’d like to think I’m logical enough to make the right decision. Just dont ask me what my favorite food, color, flavor, or t-shirt is.

I have yet to meet a food I dislike. Every color is beautiful. Every restaurant…alluring. Every person…interesting. I like everything…and it tends to complicate things severely.

CORRECTION: I am as simple AND as complex a human as God could create.

Being a human being makes one inherently complex. We reign supreme over all other species on this planet, thanks to our complexities. If we were as simple as all other beings – eat, sleep, fuck…repeat – we would simply be just that – all other beings.

But we’re not. We are 6.8 billion monkeys with high maintenance agendas. Though something as simple as a banana would make our close relative the Chimpanzee go ape-shit (pun intended) – it does nothing to us, aside from provide sustenance.

I sit here…trying to recreate a situation which makes human beings genuinely happy…

I cant.

You can set as many goals as you’d like – and go forth to achieve them. Motivated by the potential prosperity of achieving those goals – we exhaust ourselves in the pursuit of the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. When we get there, however…we find ourselves unsatisfied rather than happy. So we go back to the drawing board, plot a new set of goals, and embark on the same mission. Our lives become one big hamster wheel – and like hamsters – we pump away at the wheel. However, unlike hamsters – we’re logical enough to realize that we are simply running in place. We are born, we develop, then we conform.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.

…I agree.

Though we as humans are inherently complex – the same cant be said for life. Dont get me wrong…life isnt easy. There is a certain ebb and flow when it comes to life. Like the ocean – it gives and it takes away.

Things could be going fantastic. The next thing you know – you’re waking up in a hospital, being fed the knowledge that your leg has been amputated.

Ebb.

You’re then fed the knowledge that you have thousands of people in your corner – pulling for you, praying for you, supporting you, donating money to help get you through it all.

Flow.

6 months later, you notice your amputated leg itches more than usual. By chance, doctors find several strains of flesh and bone eating bacteria. The discovery will result in numerous surgeries – with the end result being unknown. Will we win the race? Can we kill the infection before it kills what remains of my leg? Or worse off…before it kills me?

Ebb.

Now, as aforementioned, I am a simple man. But dont mistake the verbiage – I am not a simpleton. Im quick to catch on to most things; especially patterns and trends.

I mentioned earlier that life is much like the ocean. Like life, the ocean is as majestic as it is mysterious. It has been said that we know more about our solar system than we do about our own ocean. Its various inhabitants possess a biological structure completely different from our own; they are alien to any being that inhabits the Earth. Forget about finding extra terrestrial life in the universe – one need only take a trip to the beach to experience the real life science fiction that exists within our oceans.

No matter how sophisticated our technology gets, no matter how intelligent we get as a race – we will never fully understand the ocean. It is a world within our own. It is as obscure and intricate as anything we will ever encounter. The same can be said for life.

As complex as the ever incomprehensible ocean may be – superficially – it is rather simple. So simple, in fact, we can predict its every motion. We can analyze and evaluate the trends of different currents and tides all over the world, but once again, one need only take a trip to the beach. The waves crash….and recede. The tide ebbs…and it flows. The ocean gives to the earth – then it takes away.

Deep down, under the surface….life is absolutely inconceivable. We will never understand where we come from, why we are here, nor where we are going. But superficially, like the ocean – life is rather simple and predictable. Bad times come crashing…and they recede. The good times ebb…and then they flow. Life gives to mankind – then it takes away.

Ebb.

Flow.

Adversity.

Redemption.

Heartbreak.

New love.

Tragedy.

Prosperity.

…hopefully you are beginning to see the trend.

Life can be difficult – trust me – I could tell you all about it. But when you keep things simple and true to nature – one can easily follow the pattern. Adversity strikes…and it sucks. We have no control of when it comes or when it goes – however, we have control over how we react to it. With the knowledge that the night is darkest before the dawn – that the receding tide is assuredly followed by a flow of good things to come – adversity can simply be perceived as a fantastic opportunity.

An opportunity to grow. An opportunity to learn. An opportunity to find out what you are really made of. Because lets face it…people can talk the talk all they’d like. But when the shit hits the fan…when all the talking has faded to silence – we discover who actually walks the walk.

Adversity is the ultimate equalizer. Through it…we get an honest, unfiltered view of ones character.

This enlightenment is one I find ultimate solace in. It is what keeps me smiling in the darkness. What keeps me laughing in the funeral setting that resembles my life at times. I know…no matter how bad it gets – I will weather the storm. No matter how violent the storm – I will laugh at the waves as they crash on me.

Many envision the future as the life luxurious. Now, the luxury may vary depending on the individual. Perhaps your luxury is love, hers is money, and his is fame. Regardless – we look to the future with the utmost optimism.

I am no exception. I know I will walk again one day; I know I will live the life luxurious.

Life is temporary. It doesnt last very long. No matter how good or bad your life might be in current affairs – rest assured – good times, as well as bad, are only temporary.

Life is a bi-polar psychopath. A beautiful…bi-polar psychopath.

 

 

Welcome.

Hello, once again.

It has been a while since I have contributed to this blog. I apologize for the brief hiatus. Unfortunately, life has recently put me on a road that really couldnt afford me the luxury of expressing myself creatively.

Life…the unfathomable. I’ll never understand it; thus, I will never waste the energy trying to understand it. I’d rather spend my energy trying to understand what life has bestowed upon me. A year ago, I was 24 year old kid, trying to figure out what my purpose in life was. I barked up and down all the wrong trees, and just as I thought I had found my meaning…my true purpose – life tossed me the change up of all change ups.

Fast forward 6 months later – and I would find that my prior attempts to nail down my meaning were made in vain. They were completely futile – for my meaning would instead find me…in the form of a speeding, illegal U-turn making taxi cab.

I have changed the format of this blog simply because I have realized it’s not me vs. the world. Rather, the world has become my tag team partner in the fight against unconsciousness; the fight against underachieving; the fight against the human dysfunction.

I plan to use this blog the same way I use twitter: as a means to express my thoughts, my reflections, and my experiences. However – I am unbound by character limits here….so you can expect much juicier additions.

Please check back and follow as I promise to contribute regularly and provide some pretty engaging content.

Any BTW – if you have wondered what I have been doing these past 5 months in regard to writing – just know you can expect a book to hit shelves and e-book stores eventually…hopefully before the next time we conspire when the world will end…or before it actually does. =P

 

My View From Team Meetings: UCLA Football is On Its Way…

Visions of various scenarios featuring exotic animals hunting their helpless prey flashed across the screen. Cheetahs chasing down gazelles; a pack of wolves tore down a mighty buffalo. These images were juxtaposed with that of highlights of UCLA football; a generous reel of highlights that had been compiled in just the first third of the season.

I found the symbolism and imagery compelling.

I had seen many of these videos of animals hunting their prey…after all, it wasn’t the first time a football coach utilized this imagery in his repertoire of motivational propaganda. But this time it was different. It wasn’t a coach showing a video of an animal displaying its killer instinct in real life, and hoping the players could learn something from our primal counterparts. Instead, here was coach Jim L. Mora Jr. comparing the similiarities between a cheetah viscously ripping the jugular from a gazelle – to that of the UCLA Football team doing just the same. The only difference was was the lack of blood and gore. However, if it weren’t for all the Football pads, I wouldn’t be surprised to see the pack of 11 players dancing around the bloody remnants of their prey. Like a pack of wolves, they work together for the kill, and relish in feasting that results of the synergistic, collective effort.

This isn’t your normal UCLA football team. The powder blue, “gutsy little Bruins” that are simply happy to be participating; Relishing in moral victories; finding silver lining in anything and everything, no matter how devastating the defeat.

This Football team has adopted the uncensored, “no holds barred” attitude of their new Head Coach and leader. Coach Mora is about as abrasive as they come. Things like “hurt feelings” and the negative stigma behind using “curse words” don’t occur to him while in the process of what he is trying to accomplish. He is on a mission; the train is rolling down the tracks, and if you aren’t on board, you better get the hell out of the way.

This is a man who is so motivated that he naturally motivates any and all who are listening. A man so fired up, he can barely finish a sentence without including some form of vulgarity.

The media often scrutinizes him for how brief he tends to be when it comes to answering their questions…Consider it a courtesy: if you’ve never played this game – you obviously don’t speak its language. His briefness is likely out of consideration for those members of the media who simply wouldn’t be able to handle the harsh reality of his nature.

What exactly does that mean? The “harsh reality of his nature”. How do you define…that?

You can’t. You simply sit in a team meeting that he is leading…like I was privileged with the chance to. 70 young men dialed to every word coming out of his mouth; 70 resting heart rates elevated to levels that would likely cause every vein vessel, and capillary to burst if you weren’t ready for it; 70 individuals amalgamating to form a single collective unit – ready to pounce on their prey.

However, this harsh reality comprises only a fraction of his nature. Mora has somehow found the perfect balance between the “Disciplinarian Hard Ass Head Coach” and the notorious “Players Head Coach”. Not only can he draw the line in the sand and and command every man in the room’s attention by simply clearing his throat…but he also has this innate ability to connect with the players. The players don’t do what he says out of fear; rather out of respect and love. You can tell this team really loves their head coach – and I can fully understand why! I have loved and remain loyal to every head coach I have played for…but I will tell you this: I would give up my right leg if it meant I could play for Jim Mora Jr…I love the guy! (I realize that makes zero sense, considering I wouldn’t have any legs left to feasibly play, but for the dramatic effect…lets just roll with it)

Rick Neuheisel laid the foundation for the success UCLA will enjoy in years to come. He convinced this talented group of young football players to come to UCLA, in a time and phase were most of the country has forgotten that Los Angeles has another collegiate football team within its city limits. He brought about an awareness within the administration that it is no longer 1989, Troy Aikman has graduated, and that the times have changed; the game has evolved universally; thus, UCLA must follow suit. He brought together the various alumni and donors to help revitalize this program…after all, UCLA is a public university, vulnerable to the behest of the state and all the pitfalls that are involved with not being a private university. It is tough to spend the money required to succeed when its not there. When the school itself is forced to continuously raise tuition rates due to relentless budget cuts, you are forced to depend on the generosity of our alumni and donors. Sometimes you’ve got to spend money to make money, and Rick Neuheisel should be applauded for not only being a phenomenal Bruin, but for accomplishing the behind the scene tasks that often go overlooked and unappreciated when you aren’t winning football games.

All things in life happen for a reason, and the addition of Jim Mora Jr. to the Bruin family is concrete evidence of the old adage. He has begun to build upon the solid foundation created by the Neuheisel regime…

…what exactly does that entail? In its most obvious light, he has taken a talented group of individuals, brought them together as a collective, and infected each and every player with his no bullshit attitude. He has assembled an all-star cast of coaches that are finally fitting square pegs in their respective square holes; formulating a system that works for the personnel available – and not the other way around. He has re-instilled the killer instinct within each UCLA player that has been missing for far too long.

As I watched the various clips, the contrast between each respective image shown on the massive screen began to fade away. There was no longer a difference between the animals killing their prey and the football team tackling theirs: they were all the same.

The final image on the screen was that of a Buffalo being brutally preyed upon by a pack wolves -  an image I found fitting considering UCLA’s opponent that day – The Colorado Buffalos.

Fear the pack…fear the Bruins! Because I guarantee you, like their head coach, they don’t fear anything.

(Disclaimer: No animals were harmed during the conception of this article. Despite the figurative speaking, Ralphie The Buffalo was completely unharmed.)